Through the looking glass

I know, I know, I'm a week late with the column. If you can't rely on a fansite columnist to get his column up on time then what CAN you rely on? I have a really good excuse, though, and a note. But my dillo ate it. Not the excuse, the note. So all I really have is the excuse. And it is totally fabricated anyways...

A peculiar bug manifested itself in my client this patch. Upon deleting a character I discovered EIGHT new playable races for me to choose from. Not only that, but I could no longer choose human, tumerok, or lugian characters to create. My curiosity piqued, I perused the choices and chose to create a Gurog. Let me tell you, the female versions of Drudge, Thornling, Burun, Mimbu, Sclavus, Gurog, Banderling, and Undead all exist and they are NOT pretty.

I found I could modify my Gurog's appearance in an amazing number of combinations. Fat, tall, muscular, hairy, squinting, mean, tattooed, smiling, the possibilities were limitless. I created a Gurog that would scare the pantaloons off of you. He was one mean motha so I gave him the name of Kikas the Fierce. As I hurtled through portal space I tingled with anticipation.

The screen faded to black with a small "Please wait" message at the bottom. A movie? The peculiarity of the situation hit me then. All along there were two sides to this game! But it wasn't a movie, not exactly. A little Eli Mumper appeared on the screen.

"Welcome. I represent the Linvak Monster's Union #204. If you accept the agreements outlined in your contract and receive the benefits gained by the Union, select the YES button. If you do not wish to be a part of Union #204 and use the default settings, select NO."

Puzzled, I opted not to commit to anything and promptly pressed NO.

"Thank you. We already know where you live so don't be surprised if your water starts to taste funny. The tripling of spam to all your e-mail addresses has nothing to do with us."

Then I was logged in. When I appeared, my character was standing in a desert somewhere on the Stoneshadow ringway. He was wearing only an apron that read "I (heart) Lugians" and wielding a turkey-baster. I was also dismayed to find I looked exactly like every other Gurog Grunt and, in fact, that was how my name appeared.

No, the irony of this is not lost on me.

Another Gurog flitted across my radar so I tossed the apron and turkey-baster on the ground in a hurry and stumbled away. Naked, weaponless, I stood in the desert for some time examining my options as a Gurog Grunt. In totality it took me about four seconds. I could throw an axe or swing an axe or (apparently) squirt a turkey-baster. I had virtually no defensive options and a total lack of skill advancement. No specialization trees, no variety of skills in the base trees (if you could call them trees) and not even armor slots on the paper doll. Everything I typed into chat came out as "Rockpusher!" and the movement controls were like trying to steer a drunk whale through a driver's ed. test (a difficult task, trust me.) All my hopes engendered during the character creation were suddenly dashed. Being a monster sucks.

Oh but how! I was only standing there for a few minutes, staggering back and forth trying to wrestle the controls in my favor when a Lugian came bounding into view. "No, wait!" I typed staggering forwards.

"Rockpusher!"

Before I could hope to even consider running away (if you could call it running), the ugly lug whacked me with his shield, leaving my poor naked Gurog dazed and wobbling in place. It was quick work after that.

So where does a Gurog go when it dies? Something resembling Atlantic City. Well, there is a reason most buildings can't be entered. They are like big lounges for the monsters. Couches, hot tub, wet bar, slot machines, it was all there and fully interactive. To top it off, I found I looked like my lean, mean fighting machine, Kikas the Fierce, again!

Hoom Killa says, "LOL look at the noob. Where's your apron noob?"

Rashan's Raging Bile Duct says, "LOL"

Hoom Killa says, "I bet you basted him good!"

Thor N'ling says, "lol"

Drudge Overreacter says, "LOL"

I realized it was much easier to move around in the lounge than the desert. It puzzled me, though, as to why the background music for this area sounded like Wayne Newton. A Banderling stumbled over to me from the bar and stopped at my feet.

Ann Landerling has invited you to join the Linvak Monsters Union #204. Do you accept?

*sigh* I clicked YES.

[Union] Gurog Radiator: OMW just huck axes at them

[Union] Axe Hurler: I hate reap

Simbu the Mimbu says, "Can anyone heal vitae? They are really tearing up darkenfowl pens today."

You will respawn in twenty seconds.

[Union] Gaerlan: Hiya Kikas

Axe Hurler says, "evade evade evade"

[Union] Rytheran: Hi Kikas

Axe Hurler says, "ne1 want to do lugian bne?"

[Union] Hoom Killa: hehe

You are respawning.

Once again I appeared in the desert lands of Stoneshadow. I noticed that with my new union status came a couple axes in my pack and a set of armor. And lo and behold, there was my brother, Quintus, jogging across the terrain.

"Hey, man!" I typed.

"Rockpusher!"

Then I chased him trying to get his attention with my throwing axes. Alas, my romp in monsterland would not see me through the fight.

+Admin Loki tells you, "Hey, how did you get access to this?"

You have been booted from the world.

Yes, my adventure ended there, tossing axes at my own brother. I have never been able to replicate the bug either but I swear, it wasn't a dream. Honest. I don't have issues with my brother. Hey, put the phone down. I AM on my medication. Come on, man. I didn't make it up! The milk was only two days old. They said you'd never believe me!

Gurog Grunts has been disconnected. Please refresh the page to continue.

Gurog Grunts appears every Monday here on AC2 Warcry. The opinions expressed here belong to the gruntmaster himself, Theiss. If you wish to grunt about his grunts, grunt to Theiss at editor@warcry.com. Hey, narc, I didn't do nuthin to you so just back off. A little hyssop didn't hurt nobody. Whoa, did you know you can feel the color blue?