I'm a big smarty pants!

Sometimes in the face of impending doom, we need to laugh. When the tables have turned against us, the only thing that pops into our confused, frustrated brains is a sarcastic comment. It is why Spiderman and James Bond are always being such smart-asses, I imagine. Few of us probably will face the threat of death at the hands of a mad- octopus-like cyborg-scientist but we do face a threat of our own: The threat of a game not being fun any longer.

I mean this as no criticism of Turbine or Microsoft. No, I cast this vague accusation on the fans, who are turning on each other in frustration. Perhaps there is reason to be frustrated. However, don't blame me or Joe Lugian, try taking up Tae Kwon Do or donning a pair of spandex and saving your fair city from mastermind criminals.

You and I do many things in reaction to our emotions. We lash out when frustrated and we have fun when we are relaxed. So forget your frustrations for a few minutes. Relax. What the diabolically evil non-cyborg (yet) Dr. Theiss prescribes is a dose of WTF?! humor to perhaps swing your mood in another direction. That's right, Mr. Bond. I don't expect you to talk. I expect you to laugh.

And if you don't, I have a giant satellite laser aimed at your video card.

Theiss knows it all!

Voray asks:

Do you think the coyote will finally catch that obelisk whoring roadrunner once it is nerfed in the next patch?

I answer:

I know I am answering this question a bit late but I wanted to get an opinion from the source. I caught up with the Road Runner the day before patch day. He said with a fair amount of cockiness, "Meep meep!" Then he stuck his tongue out at me and ran off. Consequently, my Acme Sword of Numbing backfired and I was frozen in a block of ice for an entire afternoon.

A random e-mailer known as Tim asks:

Who would win, you or Kwip? First in a fight and then in a rant competition!

I answer:

I know this will not bode well for me to admit it but Kwip beats me up regularly. He claims it is just because I am still the new guy and I'm not allowed to fight back. I think it is because he is ferociously jealous of the Online Columnist of the Year award I printed out for myself last year. I offered him a copy too but he says, "There can be only one!"

As for a rant-off, I think it is obvious who would win THAT little contest. Need I remind you of my OCotY award? *smug*

Anonymous Consonant Hater asks:

Who is the best bounty hunter in all of dereth?

I answer:

I knew this guy named Ewelei (AKA Aeiouy or "vowels") on Wintersebb who was probably the best bounty hunter this side of Tatooine. There were at LEAST six or seven people who had heard of him he was so famous. Boba Fett had nothing on this guy. But then he copped out and became a sorcerer. You don't know the pansy do you?

CruD the inquisitive asks:

Is there any hope for alchemy?

I answer:

While the alchemists of old never accomplished their great desire to forge gold from lead, the scientists of today have managed to accomplish this task. However, the gold byproduct is radioactive thus the technique will likely never be utilized in any highly commercial way.

On the plus side, I have heard reports of "scientists" who claim to have made a "bag" that turns anything other than lead into gold. You just need to put it in the bag and voila! Clean, reusable gold! This could be a boon to craftsmen everywhere.

Secondly, he asks:

How many Lugians does it take to screw in a lightbulb??

I answer:

None, Lugians are too big to fit inside a lightbulb. (Forgive me! *pummeled with boulders*)

Thirdly he asks:

Where's the beef? No really, where'd all the cows go? Tipping cows was a favorite AC1 past time =D

I answer:

The word from an inside source at Turbine is that the bovine community has gone on strike. They are, in fact, tired of being tipped over and slaughtered helplessly. The Arwic crater is a whole other issue altogether. Negotiations are underway but it doesn't look like things will conclude any time soon. Joining them in sympathy strikes are the Rabbits' Union 402, Olthoi Hives 286 and 79, Tuskers United, and the Massachusetts' Forklift Operators.

Mad Hatter asks:

Will there be town-server divergence? Or will it be completely dev-run?

I answer:

Sure, why not!

Chain_LC asks:

Besides level requirements, what is the difference between a level 10 req melee def necklace and a level 30 req melee def necklace?

I answer:

Oh, I imagine the qualities of materials are different as well as what creatures are carrying them. I imagine a lot of things, though.

Eric the Grey asks:

Why?

I answer:

While I believe we cannot truly know what purpose any person or event serves in the grand scheme of things, I, like many, find the belief that there IS some purpose far grander than any single thing, to which each person and event contributes to some small degree. Thus, to vaguely answer the question: To serve the Greater Purpose of our collective lives.

Daelin asks the obvious follow-up question:

Huh?

I answer:

Just because, okay?!

Daelin the curious asks further:

Is it physically possible for a gigurath to do the Charleston? Or it strictly the mambo type of horrible mutated uberbeast?

I answer:

All my invites to swing dance with any gigurath resulted in a bashful rejection and a brutal beating that left me dazed and confused at the nearest lifestone. My guess is that they are either allergic to carnations or don't like chocolate caramels (though they did consume both when I was a mutilated wreck on the ground). Similar invites to mambo resulted with a nightmarish response, so I'm not sure how you came across your information.

I have a feeling they might be square-dancers, though, so I'm planning a little shindig down at the Farmer Tuperea's barn. I don't think I can fit more than one gigurath in there, though, so I'll need a couple others to help with the event.

Now, I know I did not answer all the questions people threw my way. I appreciate the e-mails and the interest, though, so keep them coming! I hope my ramblings helped lighten the mood. If you don't find my brand of nonsense to your liking, no worries. "Vinny" will be by later to have a few words with you.

Until next week, have fun! That is what it is all about in the end...

Gurog Grunts appears every Monday here on AC2 Warcry. The opinions expressed here belong to the gruntmaster himself, Theiss. If you wish to grunt about his grunts, grunt to Theiss at editor@warcry.com. Don't mess with Vinny, man. It won't be pretty.